2/11/2008

Envious, Jealous

Enviousness and jealousness might sounds too serious but I can’t think of the other words to represent this feeling.

Have you this feeling like: “How wonderful if that is me?”, “Why she/he can get it but not me?”, or “ I want to be like her/him”? May be at lease you have just a simple thought like : “ I want that.” And the “that” that you mean is something that you don’t have now and can’t afford to get it now (perhaps for life). Enviousness sounds like some evil feeling, some people might even think like: “She/He doesn’t deserve it. I will try to spoil it.” The enviousness that I mean is different, there is no evil feeling. You just feel like you really hope to have that thing and you feel really sad seeing people have it easily and you really need to work hard for that but you never think of to hurt that person.

I always have this feeling, although I always remind myself that I should thank God for everything that I had and I have. Ya, I really that God for everything but sometimes, some special seasons will really make me have stronger feeling especially during Chinese New Year or long holiday. I feel sad when my mom said that she is boring at home and our neighbors can go for not only local but overseas trips.

I feel sad that I can’t make more money to make my family can have better life style; at lease they can retire at the actual age and not keep on working until now. My heart broken seeing the enviousness showed in their eyes when they heard other people talk about overseas trips. I want to be better, I am working harder but sometimes I just feel that I am not capable at all, I am useless and I can’t see that potential of reaching that level.

Our “want” always more then what we have. I want this, I want that and I want more when I already have this. We really need to work harder and harder and harder and the cycle will continue until the day we die……

God, refresh me, strengthen me, help me, and give me the wisdom to overcome the stress and the feeling of enviousness. Help me to do better for my family.

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